Holden Voices: Blog

Poems, stories, and reflections, written by faculty, staff, and volunteers currently serving in the Village.

RACHAEL MEADORS: “I got good at feeling bad..."

March 28, 2020 at 12:00 PM


Day 13

“I got good at feeling bad and that’s why I’m still here.”

My name is Rachael and I’ve been grumpy for *checks watch* 24 years. Kidding, but I have been unpleasant for the past 12 days. I wanted to be better. On day 1 of quarantine a friend posted a colorful schedule which included putting on real clothes and eating three meals a day. For the first week I dutifully woke up by 8:00, made coffee, and sat at my desk blankly staring at my laptop.

After two hours of refreshing my empty inbox I’d sit in the sun and think about how I wasn’t making the most out of this time. I wasn’t doing yoga or art, and I certainly wasn’t making gratitude lists. Holdenites told me they would love to be “stuck” here, which made me feel guilty. I was miserable.

On the day we got the memo from the directors, a friend asked me how I was, I said “bad” and she said “me too”, and we decided to be upset together and take Crackers for a walk. And, on that walk, as we let it be, I felt a tiny bit of gratitude.

As the future becomes more uncertain, I’ve decided to stop shoulding all over myself. Our feelings are what they are and that’s ok. My goal for the unforeseeable future: feel the feelings and survive.

-Rachael

Rachael Meadors is Education & Program Associate at Holden Village. This column was originally published on March 28, 2020 in a daily newsletter, "The Quarantine Quarter," which is compiled by various staff members and sent to all Villagers.